Just whipping through the list of my 30 Day Challenge...
Day 10 - Discuss your fist love and your first kiss
As I mentioned in my 30 Interesting Facts post (Day 06), I was 22 when I had my first kiss. That was a bit late in life, eh? Having been a late-lifer in that area, I wish I could say there was some great romantical story to go along with that kiss, but...eh...not so much. I met JonathAn...or was it JonathOn (roommate and friend Laura questioned him at the time and I honestly don't recall his answer) on a Friday night maybe sometime in March of my senior year. He was the 24 year old older brother of one of our neighbors visiting for the weekend. Laura's boyfriend at the time lived in Houston and arrived pretty late to come up and visit for the weekend. I had hostessed a dinner party earlier in the evening, serving lasagna, but I didn't use enough sauce. I made some extra for the side, but sadly the extra sauce was depleted by the time Brian arrived. I did what I always have done - played defense so that I wouldn't be offended. This means I went ahead and apologized while serving Brian for the dry lasagna. Once he was done eating it, he thanked me and said, "you were right." I said, "huh?" He answered, "it was a bit dry." JERK. That was unnecessary and it hurt my feelings. I went outside to pout and there entered Jonathan. He asked for a piece of the infamous lasagna and told me it was perfect. The next night I may or may not have consumed WAY too much alcohol when a group of us went out to a nearby bar. No worries, Brian was our designated driver. After we left the bar, we went to Walmart to get ice cream. I brought Jonathan some ice cream (apparently I liked to feed him) and one thing lead to another and I totally made out with him. First kiss.
and that had to hold me over until my second kiss which wasn't until 7 years later with the guy who became my first love....
Did you read my Religion post (Day 04)? If so, I mentioned this bad news bear.
Basically, I was a 29 year old girl who had the experience of a 16 year old girl (or younger). By that time, I was desperate to fall in love and I was quick to do so without regard for my own well-being. Warning signs were ignored not because I didn't see them or because I was ignorant or even because I didn't know better, but rather because I excused them away and somehow made them okay. I needed the things he did or said to be okay because I needed him. or...at least I thought I did. So many times I told myself to walk away (I should have run), but I couldn't. He was my drug. I was on a daily emotional roller coaster with him - anxiety and depression flooding my very being. I craved the sweet side of him and whenever I caught a glimpse of that guy, it held me over through the mean and ugly side of him (which definitely occurred more often). He was a Dr. Jeckyl / Mr. Hyde and as our relationship progressed, so did his mood swings.
I kept a journal of sorts while dating him. I finally deleted the journal last week (see here). This was 3+ years after the relationship ended one of the worst ways a relationship can possibly end. I liked to torture myself periodically by reading the entries of this journal and seeing how pathetic I was for nearly 2 years of my life. I decided to forgive myself last week and move on. I cannot change the past, but I can learn from it. It was an abusive relationship that forced me to learn an emotionally expensive lesson. First love.
No comments:
Post a Comment