Losing someone...

Someone near and dear to me passed away today.  Had I known death was on the table, I would have done things differently.  I would have called him.  I would have visited him.  I would have made sure he knew how much I cared.

Death really puts things in perspective.  It's sad that it comes down to that, though.  It really is.

I woke up this morning and thought I better call this person.

I grew more and more frustrated as the day progressed and I kept coming up empty-eared as I tried to contact him.  At first, I called his hospital room directly just for another man to answer the phone telling me he must have been moved.  Then I called the hospital to reach him, growing more anxious as the seconds ticked by before my call was transferred.  I was then told his line was busy and asked if I wanted to speak to the nurse's station or if I wanted to call back.  I opted to call back.  This was the routine for 3 additional calls placed today.  I finally gave up at the end of my work day, vowing to reach him tomorrow.

Only problem is that there is no tomorrow.  As soon as I drove into my garage this evening, I received a phone call that he had passed away this afternoon.

Had I known?  Maybe, in the back of my mind.  Was it still shocking to me?  Yes, yes it was.

Who was this man?  He was one of my employees, a team member.  He always managed to put a smile on my face.  I knew him long before I became his "boss lady" (as he liked to call me) because my father hired him about 8 years before I joined that very same team.  He helped move me into my dorm room in college.  Then he helped move me out.  He always asked me how my monsters were doing and how my training and races were going.  He came to me when I was doing well with my weight loss so that I could help him do the same.  He called me while on the road just to check in and see how everything was going.  Many a tall tales this man spun, much to my delight.  He had a booming voice that would announce his presence long before he was seen.  He had a way with words that was both funny and endearing.  He had great respect for my family and a genuine love for our company, always taking pride in his work.

We may not like all of our employees or co-workers, in fact we probably just tolerate the vast majority of them.  That was not the case for me with this guy.  I loved him and will miss him terribly.  He may no longer be on this earth, but he will never be forgotten.  RIP Big Papa.

what defines me

I have been working for the same company for 12+ years.  I started out as the Office Manager, then I became the Operations Manager, and finally the General Manager.  Did you know that I'm the only girl at my job?  True story.  I'm surrounded by too much testosterone on a daily basis.  The company I work for has 12 Service Centers in addition to our corporate headquarters.  Mine is the largest.

I've discussed my position before...only in that the term "General" is way too...encompassing.  It is difficult to manage everything, especially when you have as many people to manage as I do.  I still have a long way to go to be the best manager I can be, but I think I'm getting there - through trial and error and most of all...experience.

All of the general managers bring their own "thing" to the table, so to speak.  We all have different issues determinate on our location, labor pool, proximity to one another, etc.  We all have our short comings and we all have our talents.

My talent is in logistics.  It's really laughable because I have the worst sense of direction of anyone I know and I still have to look at the U.S. map to get a feel for where everything is located.  I think I am successful because I'm not afraid to be creative, to explore all my options, and to verify the efficiency of my decisions by way of using all my resources.

I have often said that it is a good thing I have A.D.D. because if I were one of those anal retentive types who are not flexible, I would be a failure at what I do.  This is to say that my ability to jump from task to task and accept constant interruption prevents me from going completely crazy while still being productive.

I can look back at this summer...actually this whole year...and say that I have worked harder than I have the other 11 years I have been employed with my company. I have worked more hours.  I have managed my resources BETTER.  I have taken on additional tasks.  The more work that has been loaded upon me, the better I have performed.  I know this.

What sucks is that I can also say that in all my 12 years, I have never ever felt this stressed, this attacked, and this resentful.

It's weird to think that on one hand I am so proud of what I have accomplished and yet on the other hand I am angry and frustrated that I have been treated poorly by many as a result of my hard work and dedication.

That doesn't make sense, right?!  Exactly.  Hence the frustration.

Ever since I had my first "real" job - working at H.E.B. as a cashier - I have demonstrated my loyalty, my work ethic, my desire to excel at what I do.  One could go so far as to say I define myself by way of my work.  At H.E.B. we were given produce tests every month.  We were also scored on how many items we could scan per minute.  I was competitive with these things because at that time, in that place, those things mattered.  I wanted to be the best...and sometimes I was.  Other times, my friend Stephanie beat me.  =/  No worries, it was a friendly competition.  We could get more money by cross-training in other departments.  I did this.  I did everything that was asked of me and more because that was what was expected of me and that was how I was raised.

I know that when you get knocked down, you are supposed to get up again.  What I don't know is why people feel it necessary to knock down the girl who is good at her job.  Since when did it become bad to be smart?  Since when did it become bad to be efficient?  Since when did it become bad to problem-solve when issues arise instead of pushing it off on someone else?  Since when did it become bad to ask questions that need to be asked AND to expect answers...or even just a response.. in a reasonable amount of time?  Since when did it become bad to work hard and expect appreciation for your efforts?

In the world I want to live in, people are rewarded for their efforts and not criticized.  In the world I want to live in, people who are good at their jobs get to keep them and people who are not either get put in a position more suitable to their skill level OR they get let go.  In the world I want to live in, problems are addressed and not ignored.  In the world I want to live in, I can go home each night with peace in my soul.

Tonight, I am not at peace.  Tonight I am hurt, I am angry, I am mad, and I am sad.  I am torn between wanting to scream and wanting to cry.  I put all my energy, time, heart, and soul into my work.  Why?

My work shouldn't define me anymore.  It should just be a job...one I can leave at the door when I go home each night.  I don't want to continue to waste so much of me on something that doesn't give back what is put into it.  It's a mental, physical, and emotional drain.  All that for no return on my investment.  If only Calgon could take it all away...even if it were just for today.

blah

I'm in a funk.  A bad funk.  I do nothing but work, think about work, play my Zuma Blitz on Facebook to zone out, read from my current book (Wither by Lauren DeStefano) to zone out, and/or watch my latest obsession on Netflix (Eureka) to...yeah, you guessed it...zone out.  The zoning out is my version of survival mode to get me through this awful summer at work.

I've put on quite a bit of weight over the past few months.  I'm terribly embarrassed over this.  It's not just from a lack of movement.  My diet plan has just been non-existent.  Well, to be fair...every day I wake up with a plan, but my follow-thru sucks.

I've been getting sleep, finally.  That's a plus.  I'm just not happy, though, and my lack of happiness combined with my stress is causing some emotional eating.

I don't have a plan on how to get on the right track.  I know that I have to get this excess weight off of me STAT.  It is making me uncomfortable in mind, body, and spirit.  I used to be so proud of myself and now...I just feel...discouraged, disappointed, disgusted...

My training for my upcoming half marathon is a joke.  You would think I have 4 months before the race by the way I've so nonchalantly done absolutely nothing in preparation. Tonight I managed a pathetic two miles - mostly walking.  My body hated it.  My mind rebelled.  My heart is just...not right.

I have thought about dropping from my race, but well...isn't that just too easy?  What about the next one on Oct. 9th?  Or Oct. 29th?  Am I just going to continue to fall deeper and deeper into a hole I can't get out of?

No...I'm going to face the music and do The Hottest Half.  I just know it isn't going to be pretty and that I deserve the wretched results.

So...until 8/12 when I leave for Dallas...I vow to move every day in someway.  Let's see what I can do in 3 1/2 weeks.  I may still be struggling emotionally, but it's time to put the big girl pants on and do something about it.

making lemonade

My cute mom has always said if you don't have something nice to say, then you shouldn't say anything at all. Well...I suppose all of our cute moms have told us that a time or two.  I've been kinda quiet lately.  It's so unlike me.  It even makes me uncomfortable when I'm on mute.

Bottom-line is I've just been...blah.

Work has been kicking my booty.  I've been putting in a lot of hours and it doesn't end when I leave the premises.  I feel as though there has been a war waged against me within the organization and there is no waving of a white flag in sight.  I have two choices here.  I can cry over the spilled milk or I can make lemonade.  Me thinks that since milk will surely spoil in this heat, the better bet is lemonade.

Shall we talk about my half marathon training?  It's non existent.  I'm so very proud of this.  not.

We could always discuss my healthy eating...oh, but let's not make a liar of me as healthy eating hasn't been happening here.

Let us not forget about my sleeping habits.  I'm lucky to get 5 hours a night and even if I do, it's interrupted.

Yep, this is why I haven't been blogging cuz I'm a Debbie Downer full of disappointments.

How do I get back on the right track?  Why oh why am I so easily derailed?  How can I be proud of me again?

Several years back I was shopping in Old Town Spring and found this little figurine in a shop.

I had to buy it because I thought it too precious and it came with such a good message - worth reading and remembering.

Today I choose to count my blessings - they are plentiful.  Today I choose to spotlight my accomplishments and not my shortcomings.  Today I choose to celebrate the fact it is a new day filled with new opportunities for change.  Today I choose to walk away from the pity party.  It's time to make lemonade, y'all (but...with Splenda perhaps)  ;)

Cheers to a HAPPY day!