good enough

First, I give you a quote.  I posted this on my dry erase board at work for my employees.


If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it.  ~Mary Engelbreit


May Ray in the City posted a blog yesterday about her insecurities.  She posed a question:  "How do you defeat negative thinking?"


This is what I commented:  "I think we are often our own worst enemies as women. It really sucks. Whenever those negative thoughts creep in (and they do way too often), I try to spin it for the positive or counter it with a positive.  I am pretty sure it's a practiced thing.  Let's practice! =)"


Then today happened...more specifically this afternoon.  As I mentioned in my Zen-Kim post, I am making an extreme effort to keep my cool at work.  I've determined that cool, calm, and collected will yield better results than anxious, emotional, reactive Kim.  Then today happened...more specifically this afternoon.


I am a disorganized person.  This is apparent if you come to my home and/or stop by my office.  I have been making an extreme effort to become better organized at work - maybe not in obvious appearance (like my desk still looks like a bomb hit it), but in creating spreadsheets to keep track of things and setting reminders on my Outlook.


What's my point?  I have stepped outside my comfort zone focusing on two things that don't come naturally to me.


1.  Zen-Kim
2.  Organized Kim


Why did I do this?  I wasn't happy with something (myself at work) and so I changed it (me).


I have been proud of myself.  I feel like my work performance has been stellar.  I've eagerly taken on each challenge.  Then today happened...more specifically this afternoon.


Ultimately, Zen-Kim disappeared and was replaced by a crying fool.  Why a fool, you ask?  Well...because I lost sight of my own advice.  I let someone make me insecure about something I feel very secure about (my job performance).  I let other people's negativity overwhelm me.


See what I mean, lady bugs...we are our own worst enemy and our energies would be better put into warding off true enemies...you know, the external ones.  I was fighting the wrong fight.  Now, I may not be able to always change the negative self-talk that creeps up, but I can "spin it for the positive or counter it with a positive."  So with that, I decided to make a list of the things I am good at to make myself feel better after "the incident" that was this afternoon (countering the negative, if you will).


I am a speed reader.


I am a fast and accurate typist.


I have nice lips.


I am witty.


I am a talented home decorator.


I am a creative cook.


I am a super star playing Zuma Blitz.


I have some mad logistical skills.


I am good enough.  Are you?  Make your own list to remind yourself that you are, indeed!  Know it!  Live it!

Zen-Kim

Oh what a week, my lovelies...what a week!

I've mentioned my profession before - I manage a moving company.  Guess what happens in the summer?  We get busy...like ridiculously busy...like hold on to your hats, party people, cuz it's about to get cRaZy up in here busy. 

I like it.

I thrive off of it.

Everybody has those few things in this world they are good at...their talents, if you will.  I'm good at my job.  I'm even better at it under pressure.

If I have too much time to do something...it doesn't get done until the last minute.  I'm a procrastinator, but not because I'm lazy.  Nope.  It's much deeper than that.  It's because my creative and productive juices flow freely when there are no other options.

I like it when my day flies by and I have that sense of accomplishment knowing I made a difference.

Here's the thing.  I can get pretty intense.  I can let the stresses get to me, the anxiety overwhelm me.  I can take my frustrations out on others and vent until people are tired of listening to my whining/complaints.

I don't want to be like that this summer.  I want to be calm and rational.  I don't want to sweat the small stuff.  I want to have a clear head to solve problems more...altruistically.  I realize that people vibe off of me.  If I demonstrate patience and peacefulness, others will follow suit. 

My parents left town on Wednesday and jokingly told me to stare at a picture of their dog to find my Zen-state.  No, I don't think Oliver truly gave me this inspiration.  I think the very idea of it just made me laugh.  My Zen-state is coming from within...perhaps it's maturity...perhaps it's wisdom...perhaps it's me realizing that my work is exhausting enough without adding all the unnecessary emotions.

I stayed at work super late last night finishing up some work.  While doing so, I was inspired to fill up my dry erase board with some encouragement/words of wisdom, etc for my employees to see this morning when they arrived at work.

I asked a question.

At the end of the day, can you say you have tried your best?

I answered it.

Yes - Congratulations...this is what it is all about!  Keep up the great work!!!  =)

No - What improvements can you make tomorrow to turn this around?  What lessons did you learn?

This doesn't have to be applied to my employees.  This can be applied to me...to you...to us all.  Isn't the name of the game just to try our best?  Sometimes we have an off day.  It happens.  We must pick up the pieces, learn the lesson, and move on.  Other days we have experienced accomplishment, bliss, freedom, happiness, etc...  Isn't the feeling of elation we get from those good days enough to make us work harder to recover from the bad?

I should hope so.  I know so.

After a whole week of practicing "responding" versus "reacting" to all the curve balls thrown my way, I can say that I am pleased with my efforts.  I feel empowered to take on the rest of the summer with the exact same zeal.

Hopefully Zen-Kim can remain for the entirety of the summer, just taking it all in stride.

Enjoy your weekend, I know I will.

if at first I don't succeed, GET BACK ON THE WAGON!

How many times have I gotten off track on my diet plan in the past 6 months?  How many times have I had to regroup, recommit, refocus, and all that jazz?  Does it matter?  Point is, I've gotten back on the wagon.

I, like so many other peeps I know (specifically of the female gender) emotionally eat.  When I'm upset, I eat to soothe my soul.  When I'm happy, I eat in celebration.  When I'm mad, I eat to calm my inner beast.  When I'm sick or hurt, I eat to ease my pain.  There is always an excuse, it seems.

I was stressed out over the whole car purchasing thing.

Finally getting into a relationship after a year of not even dating caused me some anxiety as you can't be a 34 year old woman without some emotional baggage from past relationships that creeps in the back of your mind when getting involved in new relationships.

Work pretty much always has me in one tizzy or another.

The pain in my side held me back for almost a week.

Being sick for the past week and a half has put a dent in my training plan for my upcoming two back-to-back half marathons.  My lungs are still not where they need to be, so I haven't been able to run.  I can walk, though, so I have had to reconfigure my plan.  More on this in another post.

My point - if at first I don't succeed - I just need to GET BACK ON THE WAGON until I get it right once and for all!

I'm so sick and tired of trying again.  I know I can be successful - I've proven that.  Remember this girl:

She was me not so long ago.

I know I'm not where I want to be, though, and the only way to get there is to commit to the process - mind, body, and spirit.  I need to stay focused.  I need to remain loyal to my food plan AND combine that with an exercise (cross training) program along with my running schedule to get me to my goal.

I can do it!  I will do it!

little victories

Yo, what's up buttercups?

I've just been struggling with my long runs across the board.  for reals.

My week day runs go down like a smooth piece of Milka chocolate (flashback to my college month-long European trip and a slight obsession I may or may not have had with that particular brand).  Well, that is if you consider listening to me plodding along huffing and puffing as smooth.  I guess my point is that I git 'm done.

My long runs...er....that's a whole different story.  I seem to ALWAYS get a ridiculously late start and I seem to lack direction - not in the sense of which way to go, but rather how do I go about handling this business.  Let me explain.  First and foremost, understand that I'm an over-thinker.  I prefer (apparently) to burn my calories by way of worrying and fretting and stressing as opposed to actually just doing CLEARLY.  Why else would I get myself into such a tizzy over that which will work itself out?!

I hate intervals.  I feel like it takes a lot of effort to start and stop and then start and stop and....oh you get the idea.  I feel like once you get the momentum going, it's best to just go with it.  That being said, some days I just don't have it in me...every 1/4 of a mile seems like an eternity of trudging through thigh-high mud.  I seem to be faster with the intervals because that little walk break rejuvenates me for the running intervals, but that being said, running without intervals builds my endurance.

I have my first race this weekend - the Chick-fil-A 5K - and I know I have zero shot of getting a PR if I run the mileage without intervals / walk breaks.  I also know that if I run the mileage without intervals, it will be my first 5K to do this and that, in itself, is an accomplishment.

Tonight, I set out to do 3 miles (sans intervals).  I could tell it was going to be a slow mileage day.  For some reason, I was just not moving at my usual speed (which is also quite slow, but this was SLOW, if you catch my drift).  I actually felt okay, though.  I attribute this to the fact that I made a decision to NOT run the cul-de-sacs anymore.  All this time, I've been running every cul-de-sac I encounter to "add" to the neighborhood mileage so that I don't have to create new routes or run loops.  I decided cul-de-sacs are hard on my body and so they were removed from my routing.  For the first time in a long time, I felt like I actually got my breathing somewhat under control (maybe because I was going so slow?).  I ended up doing 4.25 miles.  This is my longest week day run EVER (even before injury).  It is also my longest run without intervals post-injury.

For now, I choose to celebrate the little victories, so yay to 4.25 miles without intervals ON A WEEKNIGHT, no less!

And while we are at it...what shall we celebrate for you?

The Sybil War

source here

It's kind like the Civil War, but - you know - in my head.

Gotta love those voices.

Everyone has them, right?

The little angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other?

Opposing forces desperately trying to sway you in their direction...the right direction.

So, last night I put myself to bed just after 9:30pm.  I set my alarm for 4:40am.  I received a text at 10:00pm, but no worries as I was not yet asleep.  In fact, I was having major difficulty falling asleep.  It ended up being one of those nights.  You know the ones I'm referring to.  You don't necessarily toss and turn all night, but yet you don't feel like you got any sleep either.  A weird night, I suppose.  My alarm went off at 4:40 and I honestly considered resetting it for 5:45, but then what?  I had already laid out my running gear (pants, long sleeved shirt, jacket, shoes, socks, iPod shuffle, road I.D., Garmin).  The dogs were now awake and certain it was that time.  I didn't feel well-rested, but I didn't feel tired.  I might as well get up, in other words.

I put the dogs outside and the cold air blasted me.  Oh wow was it cold.  Was I really going to do it?  Maybe I should just go to the gym instead?  Or...I could just play around on the computer?  No, I needed to go running.  I would layer up and all would be right with the world.  uh huh.

I took my thyroid pill and went onto Facebook for a bit.

If you go to the gym, it would mean warmth.

I played a few rounds of Zuma.  Don't judge me.

You could just keep playing until it's time to take a shower.

I checked my email.

The gym would still mean getting a work-out in.

I caught up on Twitter.

You could just go ahead and take your shower now.  Nobody would think you a loser cuz it's ridiculously cold outside.

I decided to eat a Larabar (I'm creeping into Phase 2 territory, by the way).

You don't have to do this.

I geared up.

Last chance to bail....

I headed out the door.

OMG was it cold!

You know how your shoes have those vents in them.  Yeah...those vents are really great UNLESS IT'S FREAKING FREEZING OUTSIDE then, not so much.  The air was penetrating my feet. 

My fingers were frozen instantaneously. 

Okay, maybe you should just do one mile.

Did I really just drag myself out of my nice cozy bed and my toasty warm home to run one mile?

Guess not.

There were 2 cars that passed me.  I'm pretty sure they both thought me nuts.  It was, after all, 24 degrees outside (14 with the wind chill) and I was clearly having a conversation with myself.  ;)

My frozen hands demanded to be tucked inside my jacket sleeves.  I did this.  After a while, they started to sweat profusely.  WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?????

I managed 2 miles.  The original plan was for 3, but since there was that whole Sybil War going on before I even left the house, I didn't have the time for a 3rd mile.  I stopped at the end of my driveway and tore off my jacket.  Man, I was hot - burning up, in fact. 

The house felt like an oven.  I was being cooked.  I was clearly going to be second breakfast for a bunch of hobbits.  just great.

I fed my beasts dogs.  I showered.  I did all the other mundane ritualistic things I always do in preparation for my work day and then...I went to work.

Same batty time, Same batty channel for round 2 tomorrow morning?  Um...we'll see.

no shrimp for me and other woes

My thyroid has been out of whack for a couple of years now.  I'm on Levoxyl.  I take a little pill every morning and then wait 30 minutes before eating.  I guess my doctor had some concerns about my age and the need to "fix" my thyroid.  She took that into consideration along with the fact that after a year of medication, it was still slightly out of whack and decided she wanted me to have an ultrasound done on my thyroid.  Well given the fact that my deductible was all paid for after that fateful bone scan, I thought it best to do it before the new year, so I did it on 12/28.

It was no big deal, really.  I went in a half hour before my appointment to "check in".  They had previously given me some forms to fill out - homework, if you will.  The technician came out to get me and had me lay down on the table.  She moved the collar of my clothing out of the way.  She then used the ultrasound on my throat in search of my thyroid and took several pictures.  It was a very fast process.  I asked her how long before I would hear anything.  She told me 3 to 4 business days unless they found something wrong - then I would hear something back much sooner.

I didn't hear anything back.  I assumed that meant all was well.  I actually kinda forgot about it.  On Wednesday night, 1/12, I went for a run and grabbed my mail on the way back in.  I saw a letter from my doctor's office.  I assumed it was the obligatory letter letting me know all was well.  I meant to open it, but since we all know I have A.D.D., well...  On Thursday night, I was cleaning up the kitchen after eating dinner and remembered the letter.  I opened it and didn't quite understand what I was looking at.  Basically, the letter included an imaging order for a "Thyroid with Uptake" and the letter said something along the lines that they had discovered a thyroid nodule and needed a scan of my thyroid for further information.

I was very upset by this.  I figured since I hadn't received a phone call, all was well.  Also, this was all Greek to me. I literally had to look up some of the terminology on the Internet to figure out what was going on.  When I do see my doctor next, she will hear about this.  I am certain that protocol was for me to receive a phone call.  I am certain that there was a break in the system. 

Okay, so I went to try to schedule this on Friday morning.  Apparently everyone was too busy in Imaging to take the call, so I got voicemail.  It said someone would return my call within 24 business hours.  I waited until Monday afternoon when I hadn't heard back and tried again.  This time I was able to get a hold of someone.  I found out they want me off my thyroid meds for 14 days (crazy considering everything I read on-line said 5-7 days) before I do the test.  They also want me to avoid consuming iodine.  She specified not to eat shellfish.  I was getting ready to make gumbo tonight with chicken, sausage, and shrimp.  I just bought the shrimp at lunch today, too.  I know I can make it without the shrimp, but it makes me sad.

I have to go in on Monday, 1/31, and get the iodine injection? (it's either a pill or a shot - not sure which).  I return 4 hours later for them to take a reading.  I then return on Tuesday, 2/1, 20 hours later for another reading.  I guess ultimately they are trying to discover the nature of the nodule - to make sure it is not cancerous.  The chances of it being so are slim to none, but still...

So, there's that going on right now.

No shrimp for me.  Bubba Gump wouldn't be too happy about this.

some things never change

Guess what, guys?  I still hate the first mile!  Do you hear me???  I HATE the first mile!  Do you know what that means?  I ran my first mile...and then...I ran a second mile!  Yep.  2 miles were on the schedule and I was bound and determined to do exactly what the schedule mandated (well as long as I could do so without pain).

I have had a problem lately with feeling chilled ALL THE TIME.  It's not even cold here.  People in the Midwest and on the East Coast would laugh at my ridiculousness.  I was not sure how to handle running in this weather.  Also, I have started having major anxiety about getting hit by a car while running.  I know how to properly gear up to best prepare for avoidance of such things, but still...  Furthermore, I was just plain sCaReD to actually get my booty out there and run after all this time wondering if I was truly healed.

I went to Target during lunch and bought a couple of light weight long sleeved shirts that had some reflective stitching on them.  I came home from work and charged my iPod and my Garmin.  I geared up, stretched, walked outside, said a little prayer, and hit the streets.  It was very important to me to be able to run the full 2 miles without stopping.  I did it.  It was slow...proof that I'm still a special kind of turtle...but I did it!  Too bad my calcified pelvis didn't bring me some magic super speediness, huh?

I'm a little coughy...apparently my lungs weren't used to working.  Time should fix that, right?!

Hopefully I wake up tomorrow with all my body parts feeling as they should!

Tomorrow is cross-training.

until tomorrow...

You know what sucks?

Being honest with yourself sucks, that's what!

It's easy to be in denial.  It's easy to pretend that everything is okay.  Facing the cold hard truth is hard.  Why?  I surely don't know....well maybe I do know, but I don't like to say it out loud.

Yes, yes...I'm still whining about my injury.  I am very sure you are sick of hearing about it.  I know I keep talking about how I am bound and determined to power-walk my half marathon this weekend "NO MATTER WHAT" as long as my doctor approves it, of course.  Why wouldn't he, after all?  I mean I'm talking walking, not running.  I know why he won't, though.  This is me being honest.  I'm not better.

I don't understand why I'm not better, though.  I've been taking the double dose of Calcium with Vitamin D as he told me to do.  I have not run.  I even laid off the elliptical (which he did not tell me to do, but I was hoping rest would speed the recovery).  I know that walking the Disney and Universal parks for 8 days were hard on my injury.  Is it possible that this set me back?

I switched my full marathon to the half a few weeks ago, when I was diagnosed, but now I'm wondering if I'm going to be able to do that half.  Here I am 7 1/2 weeks out and I haven't run in 5 1/2 weeks.  This is quite daunting to me.  I have until 12/19 to make a decision.  I want to welcome 2011 with this half marathon.  I want to be able to train for this race successfully.  I want to be healed.  *Sigh*  Doctor tomorrow...I suppose I'm getting a head of myself and I need to wait to hear what he says.  Maybe the cold weather is just agitating my injury.  Maybe I'm just being a worry-wort.  Maybe...

Until tomorrow...

I am free

well...not that you can like buy me or anything....

After babying my oddity of an injury all week long, I can honestly say I feel better.  So, this means I'm going to head out tomorrow morning to try to do my 13-miler.  I have not run all week.  I have not done any kind of physical exertion, actually.  I just took my anti-imflammatory pills, my Epsom salt baths, rubbed my upper left leg with Bio Freeze each night, stretched, and prayed. 

I am promising myself that I will stop running if I feel pain.

I am promising myself to take time off the table and to just feel free with the run.

You see, looking beyond the injury into the bigger picture, I have come to realize that I'm stressing myself out so much with this whole time limit thing to the point that I'm not even enjoying running.  I don't want to be running my full marathon staring at my Garmin fretting about each and every step with regard to each and every second.  I want to be soaking up every single second of that race for what it is - an amazing experience beyond anything I ever even thought would be possible.  Remember back to when my parents saved the day by buying me a spot in this marathon?  My dad asked me if it meant more to me to know that I would be able to finish the race on time (RnR New Orleans with it's 7 hour time limit) OR to have my family and friends there to support me (Houston with its 6 hour time limit).  I chose Houston!  I still choose Houston!  I'm not naive here.  I know there is only a slim chance of me actually being an official finisher (finishing within the time limit).  Worrying and stressing about it isn't changing the time limit and it's not changing my speed.  If anything it's dragging me down - emotionally, mentally, and physically.

I'm officially committing to myself and to anyone who reads this blog today that I am freeing myself of the chain that has been binding me.  I am no longer worrying about the time it takes me to complete my very first (and probably only) marathon.  I am solely focused on finishing what I started.  I want to cross that finish line on two feet (you know...not crawling) with my head held high knowing that I did something to be proud of!  As long as I can say I did my best...how can that not be good enough?!

On #Fitblog the other night (my first, but definitely not my last time participating), we were asked what was the headline defining our last 10 months and what would be the headline defining our remaining 2 (or...um...something along those lines).  I thought about it and my response was this:  "I Am My Own Worst  Enemy" to "I Am My New Best Friend".  In other words...enough with the negativity and the "I can't" attitude and the "what ifs".  It's time for positivity and the "I can" attitude and the "come what mays". 

I am free.

3 deep breaths

Happy November to you!

This is kind of a cRaZy month for me as I have lots of traveling going on.  This makes me VERY nervous as far as my training goes since I will be missing 3 Saturdays of long runs with my running group.  That statement alone is kinda funny considering I'm soooo much slower than the rest of my team that I'm basically running solo save for the turn around of each mapped out run when we pass each other, but even those few words of encouragement and our little team camaraderie before we begin go along way, you know?!  I will, of course, run the same mileage they are just in a different cities and sometimes on different days.  I should flip it for the positive by way of saying what an adventure it will be to run in Chicago and Orlando instead of Houston!

I also wonder whether or not I will be able to join them this Saturday.  I'm still nursing this strange injury from my half marathon (that wasn't) from October 24th.  I know I never went into much detail of what happened with that whole thing, so here it goes.  As I was running, I started feeling a tightness in my left hamstring prior to seeing my family somewhere just after mile 3.  I remember running past them telling them "the hills are killing me" and knowing I was referring to my hamstring.  When I finished the run, I was feeling sore in my thighs and my left side from the back of my hip to my hamstring - kind of the sciatic area.  The weird thing is that I ALWAYS have total runner's knee on both my left and right legs, but this run I did not.  I attributed it to my new properly fitted shoes (you know...the ones I probably shouldn't have run in, but I did cuz I'm such a rebel).  So after the race, we went to lunch and when I got up from the table I totally had a hard time walking, but not with stiff legs as would be expected, but it was with this whole problem going on with the left side of me.  On Monday, my father made fun of me calling me "Chester" from the tv show "Gun Smoke" only the reference was lost on me cuz I had never seen it.  I made an appointment for a massage and immediately Sarah (with her magic torturous touch) was able to break apart some knots that had developed in my gluttish (probably not a word, but bear with me here) area.  The rest of the week, I did all the things you are supposed to do to heal an injury.  I tried to run on Wednesday, but it was an epic fail.  Then came Saturday and as I mentioned - I did 7 of the scheduled 12 miles and then felt crippled (even limped) the rest of the day.  The pain had moved to most of my upper left leg (as in all the way around).  On Sunday, after an Epsom salt bath, it was back to just the hamstring.  I'm perplexed.  My coach told me REST it.  He said I might not be able to run all week.  He said I might not be there next Saturday.  My biggest fear is getting behind.  He tells me not to worry - that the worst thing I can do is further injure myself by running injured.  I'm a worry wart.  It's what I do.

My mom would ask "how's that working for you?"  It's not.  It makes me feel sick.  It probably prevents me from getting better.  My mom would say "when you always do what you have always done, then you are always going to get what you have always gotten."  I know she's right.  I hate that, by the way.  3 deep breaths.  It's going to be okay.

Anyway...I spent 3 months dealing with a hip injury at the beginning of this journey and that didn't stop me - if anything, it made me even more determined.  I am going to get through this.  I am.  If anything, it's an exercise on patience - a virtue that has been lost on me in the past and something I really need to work on.  Sometimes my stubbornness is a good thing - it means I don't give up even when it appears the cards are stacked against me.

goals, a party foul, and a new pair of shoes!

As I have mentioned several times, my 2nd half marathon is coming up THIS SUNDAY!  Yikes!  I'm nervous, anxious, and excited!  I feel infinitely more prepared than I did for my first one which was the Chicago Rock 'n' Roll Half on August 1st. 

This time, I know what 13.1 feels like.  It's far, y'all. 

This time, I'm on my home turf.  Let's hear it for home court advantage!

This time, I have way better endurance.  Yay for training with my running group!

This time, I have set some realistic, achievable goals.

This month's Runner's World actually had an article about establishing goals called "Good Targets".  The article discusses three different possible goals -  one could be just to finish - another could be to PR (or even to PR with a specific time) - and still another could be some performance type goal not related to time.  I read this article thoroughly and really let it sink in.  I wish I had the luxury of just setting a non-time related performance goal, but unfortunately a concern of mine has to be time as this race has a 3 hour time limit which means a PR for me by default if when I finish this race in "legal" time. 

I thought in spirit of this article, however, I should set a goal in each of the categories.

1 - Just Finish!  Seeing as I completed a half marathon already...um...I'm just going to run with faith that this won't be an issue...

2 - Banner Day!  Well, I'm not going to do Runner's World's proposed fancy calculations.  My goal is simple - to PR with a 3:00:00 finish.  This means taking 24:39 off my previous time.  Doable?  Yes.  I'm better trained for this race and I've been running my long runs with an average of a 13:23 pace.  A 3 hour half marathon is an average of 13:45 pace.  Let's just say there is a bit more motivation and a whole lot more encouragement to BOOK IT! during an actual race than a long Saturday (or Sunday) run!  I'm also going to be wearing my Garmin and a pace bracelet to help keep my eye on the target!

3 - Best Effort!  For Chi RnR, I employed my 4 minute run/walk interval method for half the race until I got plagued with the charlie horses and then I power walked the remainder of the race.  In a way, I kinda feel like I gave up.  I'm not going to give up on this race!  Since the 3rd or 4th week of training with my running group, I have dumped the interval method and focused on running my mileage outright - only stopping for water and/or bathroom breaks.  My Best Effort (non-time related performance goal) is to run the entire 13.1 miles with the exception of walking through the water stations (which will be located approx. every 2 miles).  

I know that in order for me to be successful, I must be properly hydrated and fueled.  Here is my plan of action:

Younger sister Linda is going to pass me off G2 (can't make myself drink full sugar Gatorade and still taking Amanda's advice regarding drinking some calories for energy) during the race.  Since I figure I will see them at least twice during the race, I figure that drinking those electrolytes combined with drinking water at each of the water stations should take care of the hydration issue.

Of course, I will be eating a good breakfast before the race - most likely a bagel with almond butter and a banana.  I will be carrying with me a pack and a half of Clif's Shot Bloks.  Truth be told - one pack is probably enough, but I'd rather have too much than not enough.  I will be taking 3 bloks at mile 4, and another 3 at mile 8.  If I feel the need for another boost, I reserve the right to hit it up at mile 11 or 12 - whatever it takes to get me to that finish line IN LEGAL TIME!  =)

So there you have it - my goals and my plan of action!  Oh...I almost forgot my music!  I posted on Twitter and Facebook that I was looking for some suggestions for tunes to add to my iPod.  I got some great ideas and have already started switching out some of my music for some fresh vibes!

I've got this!  I know I do!

Okay, so onto other race related things...I picked up my Race Packet today at Luke's Locker.  Lamest Swag Bag EVER!  There was no swag.  How disappointing is that?!  I mean would it have killed them to get someone to donate a lip balm?!  a granola bar?  a key chain?  something?  anything?  I like to feel a little love when I open up my bag.  I felt nothing.  We don't get our finisher's shirt until we finish (which is totally cool with me), so that bag was way too empty for my taste (bib w/ d-tag and a couple of slips of paper).  Party foul, Houston Half, party foul!

While at Luke's Locker, however, I did decide to let their shoe experts help me *finally*.  You see, when I first bought myself my running shoes (in December), I just got them from the New Balance outlet mall.  While the sales associate that helped me was very nice, she wasn't very knowledgeable (or if she was...she didn't offer up the help) like the dude at Luke's did.  I explained to him the issues I've been having with my feet - pain on the side of my left foot, black nails (oh joy), soreness, and other such issues, and he said he could help.  He measured my foot and had me do a couple of things to determine stuff and brought me out a pair of Brooks Glycerins.  Oh my how I liked the way they fit before he even tied them.  He had me run on the treadmill and then proclaimed they were too short and went and brought me back a half a size up and then a pair of Asics something or another.  He tried the Asics on me first - they felt good and I ran with them on the treadmill.  Then he tried the upsized Brooks on me.  Oh what a difference...I felt like I was running on a cloud.  I had asked him about how to tie them since I sometimes feel like I'm tying them too tightly and they are hurting me and he showed me a new way to tie them.  Sold!  I'm going to run with them tomorrow morning - just 2 or 3 miles - super excited!  

What a difference from my nervous nelly million posts prior to my first half, huh?!  ha! 

Oh...shout out to younger sister Linda for signing up for RunGirl 13.1 (12/12/10)!  Sooo excited to be reunited in race with her as our one and only was back in March with our 10K H.E.B. Bayou City Classic.  Yay!

Worry Wart Part 4: Deep Breaths

I have anxiety issues.  I've admitted this before.  *Deep Breaths*

Do y'all remember Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey?   This was one of my faves:

"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late."

See...deep breaths made me think of deep thoughts.  We are all on this roller coaster together, so hang on to your hats!

I've actually done a good job of staying calm this week, I promise...it's just that I will get excited and look at the course map and I get freaked out because 13.1 miles looks like a really long jaunt.  It was one thing when I ran 10 miles in my neighborhood by doing 4 laps of 2.5 miles each and then just thinking - hey...what's another 5K?!  This is like BAM!  In your face!  It's got my stomach all kinds of topsy turvy.  I keep wondering what if I can't do it...what if they kick me off the course cuz I'm too slow...what if I fail?!  Actually, the really funny thing is that unless you get injured, this race doesn't let you fail - if you are behind where they want you to be at mile 6.5, they shuttle you to mile 8.5 - how is that for service?!  No worries - I will not be needing this service.  Then I think how amazing will it be when I cross that finish line (see how I go back and forth) because a year ago there is no way I would have or could have even imagined even signing up for this let alone actually participating.  I know I can do this, though.  I really do.  I so got this.  I'm just being me.

One thing that I've done to try to calm this lunatic inside me is to read my friends' race reports.  I started with Lauren's 10 for Texas and then I read her Rock 'n' Roll Nashville Half Marathon.  Next I moved to Melissa's Women's Nike Half Marathon and her Rock 'n' Roll San Antonio Half.  Then, I moved onto That Pink Girl's Texas Half and finally onto Allie's Rock 'n' Roll Dallas Half.  These ladies inspire me!!!!

Yesterday, I discovered this e-article that was mentioning the "famous" peeps who are registered to run this race.  I put "famous" in quotes because it is basically one big reality show star line-up and I'm not so certain those peeps should be called famous.  I mean if I could potentially be running alongside Justin Timberlake, that would be a whole different story, but former Bachelor "star" Jake?  Not so much.  Anyway, that wasn't what put the knots in my stomach...it was the number of registrants for this race.  It's supposed to be 25,000 people.  OMG, y'all!!!  This is cRaZY!  I thought the 22,000 peeps for Houston is completely insane in the membrane and this is 3,000 more people?!  Yikes!  What if I come in last place?!  =P  I'm just kidding...I know I won't be last.  I'm more concerned with getting trampled to death cuz I'm so delicate and dainty, don't ya know?!

Well, I just wanted to leave you with my list of things that are in my quart size bag for the airplane because I'm like the mad packer and I am quite proud of what I was able to fit in my quart size bag.  I might need to sell my services.  It's that amazing.  Here goes:

2 packets of Justin's squeezable almond butter
1 bottle of 5-hour energy drink
hair spray
shampoo
conditioner
bath gel
tooth paste
Tiger Balm
Vaseline
sun screen
perfume
lip gloss
chap stick
deodorant

Now come on...how is that not impressive?  =)

Okay, no more posts until AFTER the race.  Best of luck to any/all racers this weekend.  Peace out!

Worry Wart Part 3: What to Wear on Race Day???

I would love nothing more than to wear my Nike Dri-fit Capris, y'all, but sadly they are just too hot this time of year.  =(  Lauren was a smartie and told me to check out Old Navy for some knee shorts since she knows I like the fit of the capris, but wanted a shorter cut (but not too short).  I found just what I was looking for about 2 months ago and was able to get 2 pairs!  On Tuesday of last week, I discovered a similar pair of "shorts" at Target, so I went ahead and bought them.  I wore them on Saturday's run.  They were okay, but not quite the same fit that I prefer and I want to be in my comfort zone - wardrobe speaking since I'm gonna be outside my comfort zone - race speaking. 

As far as the top goes, my mentor suggests a loose fitting fabric so that the heat doesn't get trapped.  That's all fine and dandy, but it's difficult to find a loose fitting fabric for us girls!  Almost everything is tight.  I don't so much mind the tight because everything stays where it should, but I understand his point.  I was able to find and buy this top on-line (pictured up top) and also this other one (pictured to the right).  I received them both, but they are baggier than I would have liked (which translates to not as flattering for pictures.  We know from past races that I am not very pretty in my race pics (I've been practicing on my running facial expressions, by the way), so I don't need my wardrobe to bring me down any notches, if you catch my drift.  They will be great for training for my full marathon, though.  Then I bought this puppy featured on the bottom when I went with my mom to Academy on Saturday morning.  It's a tight one, but it's back to my Nike roots (younger sister Linda says I'm a label snob - well to be fair, she doesn't use the word snob - haha).  Monday, I went back to Academy to work on my visor situation and noticed in their "Clearance" section, they had the same top in lime green for $16.00 less, so I said, "yes, please." and bought that one, too.  I suppose the one I choose will depend on my mood - aqua or green.  I just felt like I should have a new top (or...um 4 to choose from) for my first big race, you know?!

Next comes the head gear.  My Nike sweat band is just not cutting it anymore.  I kinda wanna try a Bondi Bands.  I'm hoping they are at the Expo so that I can buy me one or two.  I know I could go on-line and purchase them, but I don't know if I'll get my order in time and so I will just hope for the best.  Worse case scenario - my Nike sweat band is better than nothing.  I also will run with a visor.  I'm leaning towards a white one given the look of my shirts, but it could be black since my shorts are black...see how rough it is to be a girl?!  haha!  I can't wear sunglasses when I run, so I rely on the visor to keep the sun out of my eyes and to keep me from getting sunburned since I also don't put sunblock on my face because I can't stand sunscreen in my eyes!  The visor also helps to keep sweat from rolling down my face - it's yet another barrier.  I have to confess that I did actually try to find a Nike visor to match the marina blue top above, but believe it or not, they discontinuted that particular visor.  In hindsight, it would have been quite the frivolous purchase because the visor would have only gone with THAT top.

I've discovered my favorite socks - they are Adidas brand and I bought them at Academy (see...not entirely a Nike snob).  They offer a nice cushioned heel and toe area.  I've yet to a have a problem with blisters (thank GOD).  I do, of course, Vaseline my feet up prior to a long run as sort of an insurance policy!  That was Meliska's tip! 

The shoes are easy since I only own one pair of running shoes - my New Balance Women's 1063 running shoes (and once again...not Nike).    

Then there is the sports bra.  Oh how this has been causing me some major grief!  If it wasn't disgusting, I would show you a picture of my shoulder wound from the 10-miler.  I must not have used enough Vaseline on my right shoulder because it was ugly.  I alternate between two different ones - the Enell (Oprah's pick) and The Goddess 5056.  The Goddess is the one that hurt me - I'm trying not to hold a grudge.  Truthfully, the Enell has marked my skin a time or two before, as well.  This last wound, however, was by far the worst - it was also my furthest run, though.  *Sigh*  I ordered the Enell in a smaller size (following the size chart) thinking that might be part of its problem.  I'm leaning towards wearing this new one on race day since the Enell does have the nice support panel on the back (thought it's quite expansive which equals HOT).  I was pretty proud of myself for this purchase, too, because normally the bra runs $65 a piece, but I bought it through a seller on Amazon for $54 including shipping.

So there you have it...I guess it really just boils down to me needing to pick a top, then a visor.  I guess it's really nothing to worry about, but I'm going with a theme here, so just humor me!  ***4 more days!!!***

Worry Wart Part 2: Pain & Suffering

For the past few months, I've had a HUGE problem with killer knots developing in my upper back, shoulders, and neck.  I'm certain there is a direct correlation of this increasingly obnoxious issue and my stress/anxiety level (with regard to work, mostly, but yes...this race, too).  My mom told me I don't have to go through with it and I was like, "Are you kidding me?!"  Yes, I do!  I want to.  I need to.  I can do this!  I am just very nervous/anxious about the whole thing.  Anyway...back to business...I've been getting massages courtesy of Sarah every 2 to 3 weeks, but it seems all her hard work (and torture) is gone (but never ever forgotten, Sarah) by 2 days post massage.

I have been using my foam roller every morning and every evening.

I have been using my Trigger Point Massage Baller at least once a day, too.

I have been taking Epsom Salt Baths.

On Saturday, when I did my 10-miler, I felt this horrible knot develop in my upper back around mile 8.  I used my walking interval to try to rub it out.

I've been using the foam roller on my IT-band area on my right leg, as well.  That Pink Girl is wonderful and sent me some stretches, so I've been working them, too.  The area is tight, but not as bad as it has been, so that is a blessing.  Truthfully, post run on Saturday, the area right around the patellar tendon was sore upon initial completion but ice and an Epsom Salt bath helped that, so as the day progressed, that pain faded.  I'm guessing this is normal - I mean it's non-stop movement for a long period of time (and for me...trust me it's longer than for others cuz I'm slooowww).

I guess I'm just worried about bits and pieces of me acting up while running, but let's face it...my worrying is causing me undue stress and no doubt additional knots. It's the circle of my life. =/   Meliska told me I can always pull over to the side (similar to a car) and do some stretches before continuing on my jaunt.

Again...I apologize for sounding like a whiner...just kinda talking myself through  my anxiety and you all get to be along for the ride.  Think of how much more "mature" I'll be for the next half marathon.

Worry Wart Part 1: Race Hydration

I don't drink sugar.  I don't drink calories.  Well...I do drink milk, but that's cuz it does a body good.  ;)  AND...every blue moon I partake in the enjoyment of an adult beverage (South Beach does allow certain varieties).  I rarely even drink soda, but when I do you bet your bottom dollar it's a nice cold can of diet cream soda, diet root beer, or maybe diet orange something or another.  What do I drink?  I mostly drink water.  I also drink iced tea - that's what I always order in restaurants.  I love me some SoBe lifewater (in the 0 calorie variety).  I also enjoy the 0 calorie Vitamin waters from time to time.  When I'm running, I consume Powerade Zero (mostly in grape or orange) as I've also blogged about.  It's the only thing I've ever trained with and it provides me with electrolytes and it helps to replenish my sodium (which is one of my main concerns because I sweat like no other, I'm convinced).

Here's my issue...the little races I've participated in were no big deal with regard to hydration.  I can do a 5K or a 10K with just drinking water.  Yes, I bypassed the Gatorade filled cups.  I'm not so convinced I can do a half marathon with just drinking water.  I think I will need my electrolytes and sodium replenished.  The Rock 'n' Roll series offers up Cytomax (nutritional info to the left (source here)).  Everyone always says not to experiment with such things during a race because it could have a negative effect on your system.  I would be definitely fearful of it having one on mine considering it's a sports drink with sugar (as most are) and I'm not used to consuming sugar.  Now I don't know what to do.  I think I will have some cousins cheering me on, so I could have them pass me some Powerade Zero, but what if I never actually see them?!

Oh and in case you are thinking I should just carry the Powerade Zero with me in a fuel belt, I can't.  I haven't trained wearing one and I think it would just cause me grief.  I plan on just wearing my Spibelt for little necessities like my Clif's Shot Blok, gum, chapstick, and maybe my phone in a plastic bag (if I decide having the phone/camera is worth the extra weight).

I know, I know...I'm being a total whiner.

Yes, let the worrying begin.  This is only one of many things starting to cause me stress/anxiety for "the big race" which is in 12 MORE DAYS!  EEEEEEEEK!

Struggling

I want to quit, but I know I won't.  It's just that I'm so disappointed with me.  It seems I was on this really amazing path from January through April with regard to my running training and then BLAH.  I know that part of my problem is the weather - this heat and humidity is a huge drain on the system.  I know another part of my problem is that I have been dealing with huge self doubt - like I'm a total poser having no business even trying to do this whole running thing.  I know another issue is that one of the motivators has been my races - I had a race scheduled in January, February, March, and April, and then a long drop-off until my half on 8/1.  Crossing the finish line is a huge adrenaline kick that makes all the pain, sweat, and tears worth everything...the further I am from those races, the harder it is to remember that feeling of victory.  Then, of course, I've let my work-stress zap my energy.  Finally, I'm having some IT-band issues.  Sometimes, like right now, I just want to cry from the frustration.

My half marathon is in 3 weeks from today.  I don't feel ready for it at all.  When I initially registered, I had a plan and that plan included training up to 12 miles.  At this point, I've only gone up to 9.  I know the excitement of the race will kick in and get me to the finish line, but I want better than that.  I want to know that I did my best in training and I can't claim that right now.  Several weeks ago, when I met my mentor at the park, he suggested I skip out on my cross training (the elliptical and bike) and focus solely on running until I got to my race.  I know he meant well, but truth be told, this just wasn't the right path for me.  I felt stronger and more prepared each week for my long run with the cross training.  I think it is just time for me to kick it into gear for the next 2 weeks and focus on the finish line.  Here is my plan:

1.  Must have at least 7 hours of sleep each night
2.  Must work-out for 1 hour at least 3 weekday mornings - elliptical and/or bike
3.  Must run at least 3 weekday evenings - 5K
4.  Must take an Epsom Salt Bath each night before bed
5.  Must drink at least 130 oz. of water a day
6.  Must stretch before AND after each workout
7.  Must run 10 miles for my long run this coming weekend!!!

Wish me luck...I need it.

Bye Bye Junebug

This is a picture of Cliff - he is one of my garden gnomes.  Norm is on the other side of the walkway leading up to my front door, in case you were wondering.

I'm kinda glad to see June go.  I'm going to welcome July with open arms and a flirty wink! So, let's talk about why I wasn't a raving fan of June's.

1.  My mileage sucked.
2.  My anxiety/stress levels were sky high.
3.  Didn't get my friend fix
4.  Allergies
5.  Heat & Humidity
6.  Didn't blog as much as I would have liked.

The anxiety and stress are work related.  I have been working longer hours.  The work has been draining which leaves me burnt out - mentally.  I used to get together with friends a couple times a week for dinners or tv shows, but there doesn't seem to be time to do that right now.  The heat and humidity are huge energy suckers, too.  Really, if you look at my list it is quite obvious that they are all interconnected.

As soon as midnight hits tonight, June is gone for good and I get a fresh start with July.  What a way to begin a month - a 3-day weekend and a 9 day retreat at my parent's house!  I am going to focus on that list I created on Monday to help me find some balance in this cRaZy life.

Guess what I totally forgot to celebrate?  My 10 year anniversary in my house!  When I decided to work for my dad, we both decided I needed to move out of his house (I had moved in after graduating from Texas A&M in May '99).  I moved into my very own apartment on July 31, 1999.  On Easter Sunday of 2000, my parents and I were looking at houses.  We found what was to be my home...it was a new build, but it was all locked up.  My mom said we would just have to come back another day.  My dad noticed there was a broken window and insisted on climbing through it to open the door for my mom and I.  My mother was disgusted with our "breaking and entering" but was eventually persuaded to partake in our "criminal activities."  We walked through the house and I knew it was perfect.  The next day, I made some phone calls.   I closed on Reuben (yes, I name everything) on June 23, 2000.  I was 23 years old.  My home is my sanctuary - it is beautiful, it is peaceful, and I'm so thankful to have it to come home to.

So, saddle up my little ponies...let's get ready to charge into July with some big cheesy grins and nothin' but good times ahead!

Don't Worry, Be Happy

Lately, I've been feeling overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, beastly...insert a few more adjectives in here if you have had the *pleasure* of dealing with me over the past few weeks.

Yep, it's summertime in the moving business (my work) and it has decided to destroy me.  Oh...have I mentioned my tendency to be a bit melodramatic?  =/

How do I cope?  Well apparently not very well...but I'm determined to turn this all around somehow, someway, TODAY?! 

It's time to dig deep and remember all things that bring me joy.  In seeking out happiness, I can alleviate my stress and feel refreshed (um...in theory cuz the practice of it will be the true test).

I decided to come up with a list of 10 things that make me happy:

1.  bubble baths
2.  music
3.  reading
4.  chocolate
5.  clean sheets
6.  candles
7.  vacations
8.  hummus
9.  sleeping in
10.  holidays

Yeah, yeah...I know 2 of the 10 items are food and that is sooooo horrible, but raspberries on you for judging me!  =P 

Now the plan is to look and see if there is anyway possible to incorporate any of these delights into my day.  Obviously vacations, holidays, and sleeping in are going to be a bit more challenging and not as frequent to apply, but maybe I can make the most of them when I have them.  For example, the parentals are going to be flying out of the country and I will be staying at their house for 9 days.  Their home is a vacation from my own - they have a pool and movie channels!  haha!  Oh and the 4th of July is the next holiday which happens to be right around the corner - let's hear it for a 3-day weekend!  I bet some sleeping in is gonna happen - well maybe if the dogs let me. 

Other than that, I know that bubble baths help to calm me and there is no reason why most nights I can't find 30 minutes or so to relax in one while listening to some Jason Mraz with a couple of candles lit nearby.  I could even squeeze in a few chapters of my latest novel.

The point is that if I want to lessen my anxiety and my stress, I have to find a better way of coping with it.  At the very least, I have to check it at the door (despite the after-hour phone calls and text messages from my employees) once I exit the building.   It's all about taking deep breaths, not taking anything too seriously, and being thankful for the little things that make you happy.  Speaking of which...what makes you happy?

Don't Worry, Be Happy

-Bobby McFerrin

Here is a little song I wrote

You might want to sing it note for note

Don't worry be happy

In every life we have some trouble

When you worry you make it double

Don't worry, be happy......

Ain't got no place to lay your head

Somebody came and took your bed

Don't worry, be happy

The land lord say your rent is late

He may have to litigate

Don't worry, be happy

Look at me I am happy

Don't worry, be happy

Here I give you my phone number

When you worry call me

I make you happy

Don't worry, be happy

Ain't got no cash, ain't got no style

Ain't got not girl to make you smile

But don't worry be happy

Cause when you worry

Your face will frown

And that will bring everybody down

So don't worry, be happy (now).....

There is this little song I wrote

I hope you learn it note for note

Like good little children

Don't worry, be happy

Listen to what I say

In your life expect some trouble

But when you worry

You make it double

Don't worry, be happy......

Don't worry don't do it, be happy

Put a smile on your face

Don't bring everybody down like this

Don't worry, it will soon past

Whatever it is

Don't worry, be happy

not so elusive 9

Put myself to bed around 9:30pm, just to be awakened around 10:15pm by a thorn in my side.  No worries...got rid of "it".  One can only hope I got rid of "it" for good.  It wasn't pleasant, so I took some of my Melatonin to ensure the rest of the night would be smooth sailing sleepy time.  Of course this meant I did not get my early start (what is it with me and this whole early rise thing anyway?).  Oh well...a girl's gotta do with a girl's gotta do.

So, I got up later than I wanted, took my thyroid pill, took a bubble bath to unwind some more, played a little Mafia Wars on Facebook  (I'm on level 510, you know), ate my Better Oats Oat Fit oatmeal, got my grape Powerade Zero ready and made a really weird decision....I decided to run in the ol' neighborhood instead of at the park.  I've been running in the park since February with the exception of my night time running, so this was pretty wild and crazy for me.  Lately, I've been getting kinda annoyed with the soccer watchers - they are supposed to stay clear of the jogging path, but I find myself weaving in and out of them as if I were on an obstacle course.  Furthermore, I have noticed my pace gets a little wacky when I approach them because I get a rush of anxiety.  I know soccer season is coming to an end, so I won't be dealing with it much longer anyway, but I also thought that maybe a change from my routine would be good for me.

I ran my first 2 miles when I realized I left my heart monitor at home, so I ran into the house to get it, slammed a cup of water, and ran back out (leaving one bewildered blind dog howling and another angry crated dog whining).  I ran the next 3 miles when I realized that if I didn't find a bathroom stat there was gonna be a problem, so I made it back home, ran into the house, handled my business, downed my Powerade zero (yeah....all 32 oz - probably not the best plan cuz it felt very heavy in my stomach for quite a while), and then had the *pleasure* of hearing the agonizing stereo sound of my beasts as I ran down the street.  Then I finished the remaining 4 miles.  I'm not gonna lie...I thought about quitting at mile 7 and calling it a disappointing day...my thighs already felt it and I was a sweaty stinky mess.  Up until that moment, I had stayed clear of looking at my pace...I just concentrated on listening to the beeps of my watch which is programmed for 4 minute run / 1 minute walk intervals and so graciously lets me knows when it is time to do that 1 minute walk and when it is time to kick it back into gear.  I occasionally glanced at the mileage just so I would know how far I'd gone and how much further I still had to go, but other than that...I paid absolutely no attention to my pace because my intention was just to get the 9 miles done.   So, when I did see that I was averaging slightly above 14 minutes/mile, I was uber annoyed with myself.  I mean why didn't I just have someone push me in a shopping cart while sipping on a margarita?  I was, apparently, taking my dear sweet time.  Then I reeled my mean girl back in and remembered that it was like 90+ degrees with the heat index, still humid (though not as bad as it has been, thankfully) and that 9 miles is 2 1/2 more miles than I did the Saturday before and 2 miles more than I've done in a very, very long time.  In fact, it's the most I've done yet. The cool thing about having my very first half marathon on August 1st is that it is my very first half marathon...this is the one where I set my time and then I get a chance to beat it at the next one which will be over 2 1/2 months later when I'm all that much more experienced and trained.

I swear, sometimes I think I am my own worst enemy.

So, the elusive 9 miles no longer eludes me.  The plan is to do 9 miles for my long run next Saturday, as well, and to just keep trying to build my weekly mileage.

Anxiety

"Anxiety" by Jennifer McDuffie

Have you ever had anxiety? I'm not talking about the anxiety you may experience before taking a test or starting a new job or any natural emotional response like that. No...the kind of anxiety I'm referring to is more unsettling than that. Your heart races, maybe you find yourself tapping your foot, your finger or pacing. You can't shut off your brain. You are frazzled, on edge, uneasy, and just plain uncomfortable. If only it were just as simple as completing the test or finishing your first day to get the anxiety to diminish. It's never that easy.

It's a horrible feeling. I've been there. I've been there a lot, actually. I've worked really hard to conquer it, though sometimes it sneaks back up on me. I'm kinda there right now and it sucks.

I know what triggered it. I know I am strong and will work my way through it. Peace is the plan, after all.