Day 05 - Thoughts of Suicide

At first I wasn't sure how I was going to answer this part of my 30-day Challenge, but as soon as I started typing, the words started flowing.  weird, but kinda cool.  Here we are on....

Day 05 - A time you thought about ending your life.

I can honestly say I've never been suicidal.  This is not to say I've never thought about death.

I've asked myself questions like would I rather drown or burn to death.  drown.  If I died who would come to my funeral?  hopefully lots of people cuz I'd like to believe I'm loved!  If I were to commit suicide, how would I do it?  pills - less messy.  This, by the way, wasn't a contemplation of the actual act.  I really, truly never have considered it.

Thankfully, no matter how bad my life got there for a while - and I did have a VERY rough spell - I always knew that I was loved by my family and my friends.  I always knew that even if I couldn't see it, there were better days ahead.  I had FAITH that things were going to get better...eventually.

Have you ever had surgery?  I've had two surgeries - two ACL knee surgeries cuz apparently I like to be symmetrical and very fair.  It's interesting how after the injury your body will start to naturally heal itself.  Now it can only do so much, mind you.  Still, your injured area starts to feel better.  You get more range of motion back every single day.  Then comes the surgery.  Oh criminey...the pain is worse than it was upon initial injury.  In other words, it has to hurt worse to get better.  That's how you know it is truly healing...the right way.

I kind of think that's how it works with our emotions.  When you don't deal with something the right way...in other words, you just sort of dust the issue/problem under the rug, you can ignore it for a while and you feel a little bit better.  Eventually that dust pile grows bigger and bigger and you have this giant elephant in the room...you know...under the rug.  You try so desperately to ignore it, but COME ON...it's an elephant now and you have no choice but to actually face it.  It hurts sooooo much.  It hurts too much.  It's hard, so hard to really get up underneath that rug and dust particle by dust particle work your way breaking down that elephant.  Some people give up.  They don't have the support network.  They don't have the strength.  They don't have the faith that it will get better.  That makes me sad.  It  makes me thankful for what I do have and it reminds me to count my blessings each and every day because with my support network, with my strength, with my faith...I was able to face my demons and get back on the right track.

In some ways, I am still removing the last bits of dust.  I probably will be for a while, but that's okay.  The pile didn't get there overnight, after all.