come what may

I picked up a graduation card for my double cousin, Nicole the other day (my mom's sister married my dad's brother - no, it's not incestuous). It said, "As you look ahead to where you're going, take the time to appreciate where you've been and to enjoy where you are, right here, right now." It had a picture of a rear view mirror on the front.

Honestly, I set out to buy her a funny card. I'm kind of a funny girl who appreciates humor over sap any day of the week, but this card called to me. I'm thinking it was because I never took the time to appreciate where I was in life as I always wanted to be two steps ahead.

It started in junior high - couldn't wait to be in high school. Then in high school - couldn't wait to be in college. Then in college - couldn't wait to be in the real world. Then once in the real world - couldn't wait to be married and have kids. As the years have marched on and I've grown older, I think how silly I was to think that at 22 I was in any position to be someone's wife when at 29 I wasn't even capable of establishing boundaries within the various relationships in my life, not to mention recognizing a bad relationship when it was staring me in the face. There is a long lesson-filled story there, of course, but all for another post if/when I decide to share. Basically, I was almost wishing away the present for some unforeseeable future with this misguided confidence it had to be better. BUT...better than what? Life wasn't so bad...it just wasn't what I wanted and yet I didn't do anything to improve my happiness. That's just plain dumb. We don't know what the future is going to hold, but we can definitely live, learn, and find a way to love our present state of being.

That's why at 33 (well, to be fair, I said it at 32 and it has carried on into 33) I say that my journey is about mind, body, spirit, and soul. It's not just the weight I have dropped so far and will continue to shed. It is about how I have challenged myself. It's about how I have stepped out of my comfort zone on many different occasions even if I didn't like the outcome, but just to say I did it. It's about establishing those boundaries and maintaining them. It's about conquering the demons that have haunted me. It's making mistakes, learning the lessons, and finding a way to forgive myself and move on. It's accepting fault in others. It's accepting failure in myself. It's being at peace. It's my life and come what may...I'm gonna live it and enjoy it because I am not guaranteed a tomorrow. This does not mean I don't still have hopes or dreams. I have many. I'm just gonna take it all day by day and continue to do my part of self-improvement.

My mom once told me that God has 3 answers to prayers. Either He grants us the desires of our hearts directly or He does so indirectly or He tells us no because he has something better in store for us.

I think somewhere along a very difficult 4 years I traveled, I lost sight of that. I'm thankful to be back on the right path.