Bad Kim

Bad Kim, Bad Kim, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they're comin' for you?

Lately, I feel like the cops are out to get me. Don't dismiss me as paranoid just yet...

A few weeks ago, I was driving home from an appointment on the other side of town. Now I will say that I have developed a "bad" habit of how I hold the steering wheel. I always have my left elbow propped up on the door with my left hand firmly holding onto the steering wheel somewhere around a 9 o'clock. This is the hand that guides the wheel. My right hand...well...it's either up at my ear if I'm chatting on my cell (haven't quite made the transition to hands free as Texas hasn't made that a law yet) or I have my right elbow resting on the steering wheel with my right hand tapping on my chin as if I were deep in thought. Unconventional? Definitely. Unsafe? I should say not! I always have control over my vehicle! I'm a very safe driver. In fact, I get everyone everywhere safely - that has been my motto since I was in college! Okay, okay...but I digress...anyway...so I'm driving home from this appointment and a cop car pulls up along side me on the passenger side of my car. He flashes his lights only I'm certain he is flashing his lights at someone else because...uh...I'm following all traffic laws, so I ignore him. A few seconds go by and I see his lights flash again. This time, I decide to pay attention, so I turn to him and he VERY angrily shouts at me (through our respective windows) "PUT YOUR HAND DOWN!" I, in shock, look at him with what I'm sure was my best Aggie blank expression and so he repeated in an even meaner (and more aggressive) shout, "PUT YOUR HAND DOWN NOW!" I removed the hand that was resting on my chin and put it to my side to appease Officer Krupke. Um...I remember it being recommended to have your hands at 10 and 2 on the wheel during driver's ed, but I don't recall it being a requirement...a law, if you will? I mean let's face it...I could have had one hand down at say...6 o'clock and he wouldn't even have seen it. Sheesh.

Flash forward to two weeks later, I was on my way home from The Woodlands after watching LoSt one evening. I saw this cop car in front of me, but it really didn't phase me because once again...I was following all traffic laws. As I entered into my subdivision (the back way), he pulled over to the side of the road to then follow me. Okay, so this was weird...like he was trying to get me, but no worries cuz I was so not gonna let him. I came to a stop sign and I did this complete exaggerated, waiting for two grandmas and two chickens to cross the road kinda stop. As soon as I pulled past the stop sign...low and behold, there are those infamous flashing lights. You've got to be kidding me! He gets out of his cruiser and walks over to my door asking for my drivers license and insurance. As I started reaching for my purse, I asked if if there was a problem. He asked me if I was aware that my passenger tail light was out. Well no, I actually was not. I mean honestly...how would I know that unless a cop was stalking me? I handed him my license, he asked me if I had any warrants. I laughed and said no. He asked when was the last time I was pulled over. I legitimately forgot about the warning I got in December '08 when the sheriff took pity on my sick soul and let me get away with both speeding and an expired inspection and told this dude it was in May of '99 in College Station for speeding. He laughed, handed me back my license (never actually made me get out my insurance card), and told me to have my husband fix the tail light in the morning. So observant was he that he could tell from being in front of me that I needed a tail light and yet he didn't notice I didn't have a ring on my ring finger. Whatever, dude.

All of this has made me turbo jumpy around white cruisers, to say the least. On my way to work on Friday morning, I saw this police car in front of me and for no reason at all it turned into a motel parking lot. I was sure he was doing a u-turn and then was coming back to get me, so I quickly dodged down a side street. On my way back from lunch that same day, I was waiting for a car to pass so that I could turn into the parking lot at work when all of the sudden a squad car came speeding down the street with the sirens wailing. I just wanted to cry "UNCLE!" Now mind you, I have nothing to hide...but it's one of those things where I just end up looking guilty for SOMETHING because they are driving me cRaZy. Maybe that's all part of their plan...

Bad Kim, Bad Kim, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they're comin' for you?