what defines me

I have been working for the same company for 12+ years.  I started out as the Office Manager, then I became the Operations Manager, and finally the General Manager.  Did you know that I'm the only girl at my job?  True story.  I'm surrounded by too much testosterone on a daily basis.  The company I work for has 12 Service Centers in addition to our corporate headquarters.  Mine is the largest.

I've discussed my position before...only in that the term "General" is way too...encompassing.  It is difficult to manage everything, especially when you have as many people to manage as I do.  I still have a long way to go to be the best manager I can be, but I think I'm getting there - through trial and error and most of all...experience.

All of the general managers bring their own "thing" to the table, so to speak.  We all have different issues determinate on our location, labor pool, proximity to one another, etc.  We all have our short comings and we all have our talents.

My talent is in logistics.  It's really laughable because I have the worst sense of direction of anyone I know and I still have to look at the U.S. map to get a feel for where everything is located.  I think I am successful because I'm not afraid to be creative, to explore all my options, and to verify the efficiency of my decisions by way of using all my resources.

I have often said that it is a good thing I have A.D.D. because if I were one of those anal retentive types who are not flexible, I would be a failure at what I do.  This is to say that my ability to jump from task to task and accept constant interruption prevents me from going completely crazy while still being productive.

I can look back at this summer...actually this whole year...and say that I have worked harder than I have the other 11 years I have been employed with my company. I have worked more hours.  I have managed my resources BETTER.  I have taken on additional tasks.  The more work that has been loaded upon me, the better I have performed.  I know this.

What sucks is that I can also say that in all my 12 years, I have never ever felt this stressed, this attacked, and this resentful.

It's weird to think that on one hand I am so proud of what I have accomplished and yet on the other hand I am angry and frustrated that I have been treated poorly by many as a result of my hard work and dedication.

That doesn't make sense, right?!  Exactly.  Hence the frustration.

Ever since I had my first "real" job - working at H.E.B. as a cashier - I have demonstrated my loyalty, my work ethic, my desire to excel at what I do.  One could go so far as to say I define myself by way of my work.  At H.E.B. we were given produce tests every month.  We were also scored on how many items we could scan per minute.  I was competitive with these things because at that time, in that place, those things mattered.  I wanted to be the best...and sometimes I was.  Other times, my friend Stephanie beat me.  =/  No worries, it was a friendly competition.  We could get more money by cross-training in other departments.  I did this.  I did everything that was asked of me and more because that was what was expected of me and that was how I was raised.

I know that when you get knocked down, you are supposed to get up again.  What I don't know is why people feel it necessary to knock down the girl who is good at her job.  Since when did it become bad to be smart?  Since when did it become bad to be efficient?  Since when did it become bad to problem-solve when issues arise instead of pushing it off on someone else?  Since when did it become bad to ask questions that need to be asked AND to expect answers...or even just a response.. in a reasonable amount of time?  Since when did it become bad to work hard and expect appreciation for your efforts?

In the world I want to live in, people are rewarded for their efforts and not criticized.  In the world I want to live in, people who are good at their jobs get to keep them and people who are not either get put in a position more suitable to their skill level OR they get let go.  In the world I want to live in, problems are addressed and not ignored.  In the world I want to live in, I can go home each night with peace in my soul.

Tonight, I am not at peace.  Tonight I am hurt, I am angry, I am mad, and I am sad.  I am torn between wanting to scream and wanting to cry.  I put all my energy, time, heart, and soul into my work.  Why?

My work shouldn't define me anymore.  It should just be a job...one I can leave at the door when I go home each night.  I don't want to continue to waste so much of me on something that doesn't give back what is put into it.  It's a mental, physical, and emotional drain.  All that for no return on my investment.  If only Calgon could take it all away...even if it were just for today.